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A night club emcee auditions a piano player to play mood music for the cocktail crowd. The new guy plays a sophisiticated piece full of glissandos and the emcee is bowled over. He says, "Leonard, where did you find that tune?"
Leonard says, "I wrote it, that's where. It's called Whip Me While I Straddle Lunch."
The emcee is puzzled, but he listens to another piece, this one a zippy, catchy number full of Latin rhythms. He says, "That's wonderful! Did you write that one?"
Leonard says, "Sure did. It's called Take All Nine Inches Up Your Twat, You Hog-Fed Farm Ho."
The emcee says, "You're hired, as long as you never tell the customers the names of your tunes."
A week later, Leonard is a fixture at the club, and the customers love his music. In the middle of one of his sets, he takes a short comfort break. As he gets back to the piano, the emcee runs up and whispers, "Leonard, do you know your cock is out and everyone's looking at it?"
Leonard says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"
 
A doctor goes over test results with his patient. He says, "From all these results, I think you're gonna be dead in about two months."
The patient says, "This is crazy. I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "Fine, but every doctor in this department saw your results. And...yep, two months."
The patient says, "Are you saying you can't do anything for me?"
The doctor says, "I wrote you some discharge papers, and I'm advising you to take daily mud baths."
The patient says, "Will that help me get better?"
The doctor says, "Of course not. But it will get you used to the dirt."
 
A clerk in an insurance company goes up to the manager's office one morning. He says, "I'm Miller. I work down in claims. I wonder if I could take the day off. I"m about to be a father."
The manager says, "My gosh, yes!! You go right now. Let's talk after the big event."
A day later the manager sees the clerk reporting to work. He walks up with a big smile and says, "Boy or girl?"
The clerk thinks for a minute and says, "I don't think she'll do the ultrasound for another five months."
 
A rich man goes out to his limo and gets in the back. The chauffeur says, "I'm your new driver. Name's Chuck."
The rich man says, "Now, get this straight, 'Chuck'. I am not on a first name basis with any of the staff, ever. Let's start again. Your name is?"
The driver says, "It's Darling. Chuck Darling."
The rich man says, "Take me to the bank, Chuck."
 
A man walks in on his wife who is in bed with their next door neighbor. He hollers, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
She turns to the neighbor and says, "I told you he was stupid."
 
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Reactions: WAB
(Time for a groaner.)

Judge: Bailiff, what cases are we hearing today?
Bailiff: Your honor, this woman stands accused of beating her husband to death with a guitar.
Judge: First offender?
Defendant: No, yer honor. I started with a Gibson and finished him off with a Fender.
Bailiff: And this man, your honor, is lodging a complaint that 60% of the traffic tickets we've charged him with are fraudulent.
Judge: So...repeat infractions?
Bailiff: Sure. Three fifths.
 
Groaner time again.

Three male dogs are running through yards. One's a bulldog, one's a lab, one's a chihuahua. They spot a gorgeous female Airedale and race up to her.
The Airdale knows she's got all the power. She says, "Stand back, fellas. One of you is going to have a swell time, but I never go out with dopes. You've got to make up a sentence with 'liver' and 'cheese', and it better be clever. If you're the smartest, you're my boy."
The bulldog slobbers and says, "I really really like liver and cheese!"
The Airedale says, "That is so damn stupid I can't comment. Next!!"
The lab thinks fast and says, "I really really hate liver and cheese!"
The Airedale says, "You're dumber than the bulldog. Jesus!" She turns to the chihuahua and says, "What do you say, little guy?"
The chihuahua sticks out his chest like a banty rooster and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
 
A gynecologist is waiting on the last patient of the day. She's already half an hour late. He takes off his tie, pours a gin and tonic, and sits back, and just then the patient walks in. He says, "I'm having a gin and tonic. It'll take me a while to finish it. Would you like one? It might relax you."
She says, "I accept!"
So they share a few informal minutes with their drinks. Suddenly the doctor hears the outer door open, and a familiar step in the waiting room. He grabs the shot glasses and says, "Jesus!! It's my wife!! Pull off your panties and spread your legs, otherwise she's gonna think something funny's goin' on!"
 
An occupational therapist occasionally sees some of her clients after work. She goes on a date with a blind man who tells her, "Sharon, if I could see only thing in this world, I'd like to see your lovely face!"
She dates a deaf man who tells her, "Sharon, if I could get my hearing back for just one minute, I'd want to hear you sing a love song."
She dates a mute man who tells her,
 
"A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop comes up and asks do you have any luggage and the photon replies, "No. I'm traveling light."

Neil DeGrasse Tyson
 
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