• Welcome to the Internet Infidels Discussion Board.

Joke gallery

This woman runs a booth in an antique mall. Every day when she passes another dealer's spread, his parrot yells, "Jesus, you are one ugly bitch!" Three days in a row this happens, until she is boiling with rage. She confronts the other dealer and says, "If you don't clean up that bird's mouth, I'm going to wring its damn neck!!"
The dealer apologizes and says he'll fix the problem. The next day the woman walks closer and closer to the parrot...stops in front of its perch, and waits. The parrot narrows its eyes and gives her a long cold stare. The woman says, "Well? Well? What?"
In a low voice, the parrot says, "You know."
 
A mother is waiting to drive to the store. She calls back to the house to her teenage son: "Kyle, when are you coming out?"
Kyle comes to the door, annoyed, and says, "Mom, you already know I'm gay."
She says, "Of course, you goober. I meant come out to the car."
Kyle sighs. He says, "Car, I'm gay."
 
Last edited:
A horny mouse is running through the jungle, looking for action, and finding squat. At last he spots a female elephant, standing in a pond, tail in the air, enjoying the water. He swims over to her, runs up one of her hind legs, and starts to have his way with her. A monkey is watching from a nearby tree. He starts hooting and jumping up and down. Finally he picks up a coconut and hurls it at the elephant's head. KA-DUNK! The elephant lets out a scream of pain and surprise. Without missing a stroke, the mouse yells, "Take it all, bitch!!"
 
A guy is getting a physical. He says, "Well, doc, does it look I'll live a long and healthy life?"
The doctor says, "I'd say there's some doubt about that. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The guy says, "I don't believe in that astrology bullshit, doc."
The doctor says, "Me neither. My thermometer just broke."
 
Last edited:
Jake wakes up in the recovery room. A cute young nurse leans over him and says, "I'm Abby, and I'll be your nurse."
Jake says, "I feel a little woozy."
Abby says, "That's normal. You had a local, and you may not feel anything below the waist."
Jake says, "Not a problem," and gives both her boobs a squeeze.
 
A nerdy college student always eats his lunch outside a lecture hall. There's another student, a young preppy guy, who also hangs there. This guy talks up the girls who go by, and he often gets their phone numbers. After weeks of watching, the nerd goes up to the preppy guy. He says, "How do you get all the girls to talk to you?"
Preppy guy is flattered. He says, "Well, my man, you gotta have style and humor. I'll sort of mumble to them as they go by, 'Tickle your ass with a feather.' And they'll usually ask what I just said, and I say, 'Typically nasty weather.' Chicks think that's funny, and, as you've seen, I usually get their contact information. You should try it some time."
The nerd goes back to his dorm room and thinks it over. About a week later he's outside the lecture hall and he sees an attractive young student coming his way. He goes up to her and says, "Hey, shove a feather up your butt!" She screws up her face and says, "What??" He says, "It looks like it's gonna fuckin' rain!"
 
A little girl is pestering her mother with questions. She says, "Before I was born, did you want a little girl or a little boy?"
The mother heaves a little sigh and says, "I just wanted a backrub."
 
> What do you call an LDS who drinks, smokes,
> and fornicates like a gerbil on Viagra?
> An Oxymormon.

Reminds me of this one:

Q: What do you call a kosher cheesesteak on Wonder bread?
A: A blasphemy on an atrocity.
 
A guy is at the urologist's. The doctor says, "I think we can solve your problem. I can prescribe Viagra, or, if you need something stronger, Cialis. Do you have a preference?"
The guy says, "Well, show me a picture of this Alice first."
 
Another guy at the urologist. He tells the doc he's had trouble urinating. The doctor says, "I'll need to examine you. Drop pants and shorts, please."
They guy drops his clothes and the doctor says, "I must warn you, this will probably hurt."
The guy says, "Okay, doc."
The doctor snorts and says, "That is the teeny-tiniest dick I've seen in my entire life."
 
unapologetic said:
ideologyhunter said:
A thousand years ago, we had empires. They were ruled by emperors.
Five hundred years ago, we had kingdoms. They were ruled by kings.
Today, we Americans have a country.
Click to expand...
Ruled by a cunt.

(with apologies to cunts)
Click to expand...
Why are cunts even considered something bad? As a heterosexual male I find them most pleasing!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom