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A night club emcee auditions a piano player to play mood music for the cocktail crowd. The new guy plays a sophisiticated piece full of glissandos and the emcee is bowled over. He says, "Leonard, where did you find that tune?"
Leonard says, "I wrote it, that's where. It's called Whip Me While I Straddle Lunch."
The emcee is puzzled, but he listens to another piece, this one a zippy, catchy number full of Latin rhythms. He says, "That's wonderful! Did you write that one?"
Leonard says, "Sure did. It's called Take All Nine Inches Up Your Twat, You Hog-Fed Farm Ho."
The emcee says, "You're hired, as long as you never tell the customers the names of your tunes."
A week later, Leonard is a fixture at the club, and the customers love his music. In the middle of one of his sets, he takes a short comfort break. As he gets back to the piano, the emcee runs up and whispers, "Leonard, do you know your cock is out and everyone's looking at it?"
Leonard says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"
 
A doctor goes over test results with his patient. He says, "From all these results, I think you're gonna be dead in about two months."
The patient says, "This is crazy. I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "Fine, but every doctor in this department saw your results. And...yep, two months."
The patient says, "Are you saying you can't do anything for me?"
The doctor says, "I wrote you some discharge papers, and I'm advising you to take daily mud baths."
The patient says, "Will that help me get better?"
The doctor says, "Of course not. But it will get you used to the dirt."
 
A clerk in an insurance company goes up to the manager's office one morning. He says, "I'm Miller. I work down in claims. I wonder if I could take the day off. I"m about to be a father."
The manager says, "My gosh, yes!! You go right now. Let's talk after the big event."
A day later the manager sees the clerk reporting to work. He walks up with a big smile and says, "Boy or girl?"
The clerk thinks for a minute and says, "I don't think she'll do the ultrasound for another five months."
 
A rich man goes out to his limo and gets in the back. The chauffeur says, "I'm your new driver. Name's Chuck."
The rich man says, "Now, get this straight, 'Chuck'. I am not on a first name basis with any of the staff, ever. Let's start again. Your name is?"
The driver says, "It's Darling. Chuck Darling."
The rich man says, "Take me to the bank, Chuck."
 
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