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Things that make you laugh...

 
 
 
My son, 25, works the front desk at a yoga education center and retreat. Last night about 2330, a woman came in asking for a refund. She had emergency surgery that day and was unable to participate in whatever program she'd reserved. Youngest was quite happy to give her a refund, esp. as she started to describe her problem, her surgery, her first indication of trouble/failure, her recovery, her nurses, her cyst.
She was kinda blitzed on morphine, but insistent that she had to get this straightened out right then and there. And she wanted copies of all the paperwork involved. Youngest gave her everything. Receipt, the schedule for the event she would not be attending, the retreat's pamphlet, a map of Lenox, Massachusetts...

Her daughter was at her side the whole time, saying, "Mom, we don't need to do this. We could do this over the phone."

Having been on the wonder drugs for surgery, I was impressed she was that close to reality. At the equivalent time in my gall bladder incident, I was sure the nurses were aliens and I was in a first-contact situation for a space survey team.

Anyway, they got her out of there and sent home, clutching her receipts and handouts... And Youngest has a souvenir. 18 pages of 'how to take care of your ovaries post surgery.'
 
Just ran into a guy I was stationed at SWFLANT with. He was a chief there when I was a first class petty officer.
One night we both had duty. I was about to take the watch, went over to the headquarters to take down the flag. Looked up at the long, wet cord holding the flat at the top of the big metal flagpole. In the thunderstorm. Decided to blow it off.
Took the watch, which was in front of an office where they monitored weather very closely.
Told me the storm would be past by midnight.

So, Chief comes stomping into the hallway where my desk was. "The flag's still flying!"
"Yep."
"You missed colors!"
"Missed isn't quite the word. I made a conscious decision not to get electrocuted. I'll go over at midnight and take it down. It'll be dry and folded in time for colors tomorrow."
"That's not good enough! You gotta go take them down NOW!"
"Can't do it now, I have the watch. I get relieved at midnight. The lightning will be over. I'll take care of it then."
"Well if you won't do it, I will!"
"Okay." He stomped back to the door, yanked it open.

Lightning struck the tree on the other side of the parking lot. Fa-FA-BOOM! Chief was blasted into the air, sliding across the linoleum almost to my desk.
"Or," I said, "I could go take care of it at midnight."
"Aa da bwah habba fulm."
"Okay, will do," I acknowledged.
 
A coworker's scout den is going on a field trip this weekend. We got to talking about giving scouts tours on the sub.

They usually got a presentation somewhere on the base about submarines and patrols, then they were brought to whichever sub was in port and they got a tour.
One group I took around, someone had asked during the presentation, "What do you do if someone dies on patrol?"
We stick him in the freezer.
They got to the sub, ALL they wanted to see was the dead man freezer.
"Guys, it's not special. It's the regular freezer. We just take the food out and stuff 'em in there."
They didn't care about torpedoes, about missiles, about the food, the movies, just the Dead Man Freezer.
We finally got there. Since we did not have a dead man at the time, we had food in our freezer.
It really wigged them out that we would have food in the Dead Man Freezer. "Well, hell, what do you think we do when we run out of real pepperoni?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!"

On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
 
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker's scout den is going on a field trip this weekend. We got to talking about giving scouts tours on the sub.

They usually got a presentation somewhere on the base about submarines and patrols, then they were brought to whichever sub was in port and they got a tour.
One group I took around, someone had asked during the presentation, "What do you do if someone dies on patrol?"
We stick him in the freezer.
They got to the sub, ALL they wanted to see was the dead man freezer.
"Guys, it's not special. It's the regular freezer. We just take the food out and stuff 'em in there."
They didn't care about torpedoes, about missiles, about the food, the movies, just the Dead Man Freezer.
We finally got there. Since we did not have a dead man at the time, we had food in our freezer.
It really wigged them out that we would have food in the Dead Man Freezer. "Well, hell, what do you think we do when we run out of real pepperoni?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!"

On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
Click to expand...

WTF?

Nobody said it was an underwater submarine! I wanted a tour of the other kind of submarine!!
 
My cousin is introducing his kids to gaming.
One asked why the six on one of the dice is underlined.
He showed them the 9, which is also underlined, and they agreed that it could be confusing without the indicator. The next day, he found his daughter staring at one die.
"Daddy, why does this six have an underliner?"
Okay, she's eight, some things take longer to sink in. He explained. "Remember, honey, the nine-"
She interrupts him.
Shoves the die in his face. Why does THIS six have one?
20190627_212713.jpg
It's an 8-sider.

He has spended the week questioning everything he knows.

Idiot. He was in the Army. This is obvious.


Which is easier:
1] Establish a rule for ALL DICE that the six and 9 are 6, 9 , and get the boss(es) to approve it

2] Establish one rule for the six and nine on all 10, 12, 20, 30, 100, -sided dice, a different rule for the six on the 6 and 8 -siders, and get the boss(es) to approve both of them, AND convince them you don't need to specify which rule covers the 4 siders?

Easier, hell, which is POSSIBLE!?!?

He understood, but did not relax. Shari won't understand. She has never had a Manager.... I wonder if she'll accept 'so boys don't get confused?'
 
Keith&Co. said:
On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
Click to expand...

What the hell, was it dark out when they got into the sub so they didn't see the water level?!?
 
paladin.oa said:
Keith&Co. said:
On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
Click to expand...

What the hell, was it dark out when they got into the sub so they didn't see the water level?!?
Click to expand...
No, they just never really thought about how much sub there was when they coukd see how little of it stuck out ofbthe water. No one explained that for a sub, the status 'on the surface' is better described as 'not quite as submerged as before.'
 
Reminded of this in the 'talk to yourself' thread. Not quite that....

One of my commands, i was THE Optics Guy. Specialized in tge alignnent of the system that measured missile misalignment for accurate launches.
About a year after i became the recognized expert at the command, the chief noted that i had not done the Optics Team qualification card.

There was no one there who knew more than i did, so no one could give me a checkout.
So i signed my own card. Looked at the topic, asked if i knew enough, felt satisfied, went on.

There's a spot for the test. No test was retained in biard. So i wrote a test, took it. I was kinda lazy when i took it, but something of an asshole when i graded it.
Chief caught me yelling at my jacket. "Look, i know you know it, but if you don't write it down..." i gave myself a 75. Passing. Handed in the card.
"You can't sign your own card!"
"Who the fuck is going to ask me a question?"
He sighed, entered it into the training folder....
 
Keith&Co. said:
My cousin is introducing his kids to gaming.
One asked why the six on one of the dice is underlined.
He showed them the 9, which is also underlined, and they agreed that it could be confusing without the indicator. The next day, he found his daughter staring at one die.
"Daddy, why does this six have an underliner?"
Okay, she's eight, some things take longer to sink in. He explained. "Remember, honey, the nine-"
She interrupts him.
Shoves the die in his face. Why does THIS six have one?
View attachment 22151
It's an 8-sider.

He has spended the week questioning everything he knows.

Idiot. He was in the Army. This is obvious.


Which is easier:
1] Establish a rule for ALL DICE that the six and 9 are 6, 9 , and get the boss(es) to approve it

2] Establish one rule for the six and nine on all 10, 12, 20, 30, 100, -sided dice, a different rule for the six on the 6 and 8 -siders, and get the boss(es) to approve both of them, AND convince them you don't need to specify which rule covers the 4 siders?

Easier, hell, which is POSSIBLE!?!?

He understood, but did not relax. Shari won't understand. She has never had a Manager.... I wonder if she'll accept 'so boys don't get confused?'
Click to expand...

3) Recognize that that d8 is likely to be used along with higher dice and thus it's easier on the player if you underline the 6 rather than make them consider whether that is a d8 that doesn't need underlining. When I'm playing D&D I roll the attack roll, the confirmation roll and the damage roll all at the same time. (Simple rule: If the order of the dice matter you read them from light to dark.) This saves several seconds per roll, if everyone does this combat goes faster.
 
Keith&Co. said:
paladin.oa said:
Keith&Co. said:
On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
Click to expand...

What the hell, was it dark out when they got into the sub so they didn't see the water level?!?
Click to expand...
No, they just never really thought about how much sub there was when they coukd see how little of it stuck out ofbthe water. No one explained that for a sub, the status 'on the surface' is better described as 'not quite as submerged as before.'
Click to expand...

That doesn't make it any better! It's like having to tell a grown ass man that the stove is hot when the coils are glowing bright red! Grumble, grumble, do those idiots not get the idea of a SUBmarine?!?

Keith&Co. said:
Reminded of this in the 'talk to yourself' thread. Not quite that....

One of my commands, i was THE Optics Guy. Specialized in tge alignnent of the system that measured missile misalignment for accurate launches.
About a year after i became the recognized expert at the command, the chief noted that i had not done the Optics Team qualification card.

There was no one there who knew more than i did, so no one could give me a checkout.
So i signed my own card. Looked at the topic, asked if i knew enough, felt satisfied, went on.

There's a spot for the test. No test was retained in biard. So i wrote a test, took it. I was kinda lazy when i took it, but something of an asshole when i graded it.
Chief caught me yelling at my jacket. "Look, i know you know it, but if you don't write it down..." i gave myself a 75. Passing. Handed in the card.
"You can't sign your own card!"
"Who the fuck is going to ask me a question?"
He sighed, entered it into the training folder....
Click to expand...

Now that's hilarious, and is that a common occurrence in your experience?
 
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker's scout den is going on a field trip this weekend. We got to talking about giving scouts tours on the sub.

They usually got a presentation somewhere on the base about submarines and patrols, then they were brought to whichever sub was in port and they got a tour.
One group I took around, someone had asked during the presentation, "What do you do if someone dies on patrol?"
We stick him in the freezer.
They got to the sub, ALL they wanted to see was the dead man freezer.
"Guys, it's not special. It's the regular freezer. We just take the food out and stuff 'em in there."
They didn't care about torpedoes, about missiles, about the food, the movies, just the Dead Man Freezer.
We finally got there. Since we did not have a dead man at the time, we had food in our freezer.
It really wigged them out that we would have food in the Dead Man Freezer. "Well, hell, what do you think we do when we run out of real pepperoni?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!"

On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
Click to expand...

Apparently you're a very smart guy, and opposites attract... you sure end up surrounded by lotsa stoopid.
 
paladin.oa said:
Now that's hilarious, and is that a common occurrence in your experience?
Click to expand...
No, there's almost always a turnover that takes place over enough time for someone to come up to speed on a duty.
Or, if there is no turnover, the new designate is incompetent and stays that way until relieved by another incompetent. Eventually, you get someone who did the job before who puts everything on the rails again.

And this would be why we TEND not to elect outsiders as presidents....
 
Elixir said:
Apparently you're a very smart guy, and opposites attract... you sure end up surrounded by lotsa stoopid.
Click to expand...
actually, i suspect we are all surrounded by stupid. But it's a special kind of sense of humor to face it head on, more than just screaming.
 
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker's scout den is going on a field trip this weekend. We got to talking about giving scouts tours on the sub.

They usually got a presentation somewhere on the base about submarines and patrols, then they were brought to whichever sub was in port and they got a tour.
One group I took around, someone had asked during the presentation, "What do you do if someone dies on patrol?"
We stick him in the freezer.
They got to the sub, ALL they wanted to see was the dead man freezer.
"Guys, it's not special. It's the regular freezer. We just take the food out and stuff 'em in there."
They didn't care about torpedoes, about missiles, about the food, the movies, just the Dead Man Freezer.
We finally got there. Since we did not have a dead man at the time, we had food in our freezer.
It really wigged them out that we would have food in the Dead Man Freezer. "Well, hell, what do you think we do when we run out of real pepperoni?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!"

On another tour of the submarine, got them down the hatch, showed them Upper Level. Toured a bit, showed them 2nd Level. Then down to 3rd Level. Then to 4th, where I could show them the bilge, the lowest part of the hull.
"And that part's underwater?"
"Oh, aren't you adorable. You guys remember when we got to the bottom of the ladder and I said 'This is upper level!'?"
".......yeah...?"
"You were underwater then. You've been under water the entire tour." Two hours crawling around below sea level, NOW they want to panic.

Wasn't just kids that did that, had more than a few adults (including Annapolis midshipmen) that freaked at the thought we were below sea level.

Good Christ, don't panic until you see ME panic, okay?
Click to expand...

Kids focus on weird stuff. I can remember in elementary school in the early '70's we had an astronaut (or astronaut to be? Wish I could remember his name) come visit our school and discuss the Apollo program. He went through a long discussion about what its like to be an astronaut, and as I recall it was actually quite interesting. Then, there was the Q&A, and the first question was from a girl who asked if he was married. A boy wanted to know how you poop when you're in space. Finally, the astronaut mentioned how a big problem was tolerating the B.O. from your fellow astronauts, and so that became the focus of the discussion for the rest of the Q&A.
 
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