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Someone threatens suicide

 
 
 
B

BH

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I live in Texas. Many years ago a cousin of mine threatens to suicide and his mother called several relatives to try to come over and help. My father and mother was called and they asked me if I wanted to go over and try to talk to him but I told my father I didn't want to . I recommended calling the police. The cousin was a pretty good size guy so if he was willing to hurt others before he did himself in he could have done some damage to my father or me or both. In the end an aunt told him to shut up over the phone or she would call the police. The cousin later had a heart attack and died that night.

To be honest I didn't like the cousin that much or his mom and still don't like the mom to this day. But that isn't why I didn't go help. I really did feel I couldn't have won a physical struggle with him if there was one and my father wasn't in any shape to fight anyone at all .

I still feel haunted by this to this day. I don't beat myself or feel guilty---his mom called back a few minutes later saying he calmed down. It's just something tells me we all could have done better.

Any opinions?
 
I totally understand why this stuck with you, especially years later. But for something like that, it’s fairly common that we look back and wonder if things could have transpired differently, or burden ourselves with doubts that we could have done more. Based on what you've shared, it sounds to me like you made an important decision in that moment that weighed the potential risks to those involved: your father, you, and anyone around you.

As you might expect, in a crisis we cannot always know or do precisely the right thing, and your advice to call the police helps point to that: you were motivated by a desire to avoid making things worse than they already were. It’s also fair to assume that you had concerns about your safety, and that also played a part in your decision to call the police. Sometimes these concerns are well-placed, and the best thing to do is to extricate yourself from an encounter as safely and quickly as possible.

It’s very human to think: ‘I should have done better’ but that does not mean you failed; you responded out of care and concern in a challenging situation, and that is all any of us can ask of ourselves. I hope you can find some solace in yourself for doing your best at the time.
 
BH said:
something tells me we all could have done better.

Any opinions?
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Something is ALWAYS telling us that, when things happen and we wish they didn’t.
And yeah maybe it’s so. But we DIDN’T “do better”, so the best we can do is to know next time going in, that our humanity is what will prevail, not our mental construct of a more perfect version of ourselves.

It sounds to me like you probably could have done MUCH worse, and it may not have been possible to do any better, especially since nobody seems to have anticipated a heart attack. But that doesn’t help much, does it?

I understand the haunting. Your story brought back the death of my “girlfriend” at age seven. She fell from a horse and hit her head on a rock. I had nothing to do with it but we were so tied together that I was unable then and remain unable to this day, to totally extricate myself from the whole tragic causal chain. That there is nothing I could have done, doesn’t help.

Time wounds all heels, but seems to fall short of healing all wounds. 😕
 
Someone could be going through stuff at any time and you'll never know, that could make it too stressful for them to help, so I wouldn't judge someone for not wanting to help. In my case though my father had suicidal ideation (I guess he eventually did kill himself with alcohol), but I never cared enough to help him and I have no regret about it. Was a bit too pissed off about him as a person to care.
 
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It sounds like one of those damned if you do damned if you don't situations.

There is no upside to any choice you make.
 
I'm sorry you feel a bit haunted about what happened regarding your cousin. I tend to think that when someone is seriously thinking about suicide, they usually or always keep it to themselves. I had an uncle who suffered from severe depression for most or all of his adult life, but not once do I recall him ever threatening suicide. But, one day, he killed himself by hanging. He had been in and out of mental hospitals, and treated with whatever drugs were available back then. His wife left him because she couldn't take his gloominess anymore. I doubt anyone could have helped him, and his death was a relief from his endless suffering.

Your cousin died of a heart attack and I doubt there was a thing you could have done for him. It was a difficult situation, but had nothing to do directly with you.

I guess I'm lucky because I rarely if ever regret doing or not doing something in the past. I figure that none of us are perfect and I can't change the past, so why let it bother me? Maybe I'm not being helpful, but you asked for opinions and that's mine. Hope you can move on.
 
Thanks. Im not tearing myself up over it and like I said I really did not like him or his mother that much. But a life is a life. IF i knew what happened was going to happen of course I would have called the police or ambulance
 
southernhybrid said:
I'm sorry you feel a bit haunted about what happened regarding your cousin. I tend to think that when someone is seriously thinking about suicide, they usually or always keep it to themselves. I had an uncle who suffered from severe depression for most or all of his adult life, but not once do I recall him ever threatening suicide. But, one day, he killed himself by hanging. He had been in and out of mental hospitals, and treated with whatever drugs were available back then. His wife left him because she couldn't take his gloominess anymore. I doubt anyone could have helped him, and his death was a relief from his endless suffering.
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I've seen numbers that a fair number of people tell someone but the someone thinks they were joking.
 
Gospel said:
Loren Pechtel said:
I've seen numbers that a fair number of people tell someone but the someone thinks they were joking.
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Or, they simply don’t know how to process something like that.
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I couldn't speak to the statistics, but I knew two people who killed themselves and both had been forthright about it to their immediate circles. But for them it was their way out of painful incurable diseases; people doing it for psychological reasons might be more likely to keep their intentions private.
 
Bomb#20 said:
Gospel said:
Loren Pechtel said:
I've seen numbers that a fair number of people tell someone but the someone thinks they were joking.
Click to expand...

Or, they simply don’t know how to process something like that.
Click to expand...
I couldn't speak to the statistics, but I knew two people who killed themselves and both had been forthright about it to their immediate circles. But for them it was their way out of painful incurable diseases; people doing it for psychological reasons might be more likely to keep their intentions private.
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I know one such, didn't tell anyone. It was only after the fact that it was even figured out.
 
I used to volunteer at a crisis hotline. For sure, some people DO tell others in advance. Some who do, are really just crying for help. Some are looking for some last ditch..help? absolution? Another voice in the void?

Seriously: Don’t do that. Don’t commit suicide with the exception of someone approaching the end of a terminal illness, whatever pain you are experiencing is multiplied and visited upon every person who knows you. Even if they only knew you fir a few minutes on the other end of the last phone call you make.
 
Toni said:
I used to volunteer at a crisis hotline. For sure, some people DO tell others in advance. Some who do, are really just crying for help. Some are looking for some last ditch..help? absolution? Another voice in the void?

Seriously: Don’t do that. Don’t commit suicide with the exception of someone approaching the end of a terminal illness, whatever pain you are experiencing is multiplied and visited upon every person who knows you. Even if they only knew you fir a few minutes on the other end of the last phone call you make.
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I think you're being a bit too restrictive here--plenty of medical situations short of the end of a terminal illness. To me the important issue is whether the cause of the suffering can be helped or not.
 
Loren Pechtel said:
Toni said:
I used to volunteer at a crisis hotline. For sure, some people DO tell others in advance. Some who do, are really just crying for help. Some are looking for some last ditch..help? absolution? Another voice in the void?

Seriously: Don’t do that. Don’t commit suicide with the exception of someone approaching the end of a terminal illness, whatever pain you are experiencing is multiplied and visited upon every person who knows you. Even if they only knew you fir a few minutes on the other end of the last phone call you make.
Click to expand...
I think you're being a bit too restrictive here--plenty of medical situations short of the end of a terminal illness. To me the important issue is whether the cause of the suffering can be helped or not.
Click to expand...
I also know people who are survivors of those who committed suicide.

I meant what I said.
 
I know of two people who committed suicide. Very different stories. Both left people behind wondering what they could have done.

The first one was years ago when I was with the ex in Mount Isa. It was one of the mines Christmas parties (they have several so all crews can do) and Pedro (not his real name) was the literal life of the party! He joked, carried in etc… danced, drank, told stories,,,,., and went home and killed himself. He had planned it…one last hurrah before dying. We know he planned it because he sent letters.. No one had a clue. He didn’t give a reason, had no prior inclination of depression or anything. Just decided one day he had had enough. My ex, and his mates, were kicking themselves for weeks wondering what they missed.. The answer…nothing..

The second one was only a few years ago and my friend has been in therapy ever since. Her brother committed suicide and the WHOLE FAMILY blames her. Why? Because she didn’t drive half way across town to answer his 15th text of the night that he sent to her and the rest of the family and she is the one in the wrong, not the mother who was in the next room. Yes, his mother decided not to check on him, despite knowing he was suicidal, and decided that my friend, a good 45 minutes drive away, should check on him, She shouldn’t be blamed for this, IMO, because his mother was in the next fucking room and couldn’t be asses to check on her own son! My friend cannot not answer a phone, or sleep, through the night and blames herself for not answering that last text at 2:30 in the morning.


Most people who suicide do it, IMO, not for attention and hope they are found, but because they have had enough. And you can’t help them, because most of they time they don’t want it.
 
Sometimes, a threat of suicide reallyIS a cry for help —or attention which really means the person really does need help. I’ve known more than one of those.
 
I went to the visitation yesterday. Could not kake the funeral today. The funeral home people said she shot herself in the head with a gun but they did not know why she did it. I know she had a lesbian relationship with a woman and she was part of a Catholic family. i hope that had nothing to do with it
 
When I was in high school, one of my classmates tried to commit suicide after her boyfriend broke up with her. She shot herself in he head, survived and ended up blind. I have no idea how she got a gun in NJ back in the 60s, as the state had very strict gun regulations back then, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was likely her dad's gun. Sadly, too many people kill themselves after a sudden breakup. I think I've mentioned that a former poster here from about 20 years ago killed himself with a gun, after his girlfriend broke up with him. From what I recall, a friend or family member told us what had happened.
 
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