Joke gallery

[ideologyhunter]

How do you know you have road rage?
When you hear your 3-year-old shout, "Pick a lane, dickhead!" while he's sitting in a grocery cart.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

How do you know you have road rage?
When you hear your 3-year-old shout, "Pick a lane, dickhead!" while he's sitting in a grocery cart.

Reminds me of the time our 15-month old dropped their first f-bomb. At least we were in the car.

 

[spikepipsqueak]

At the risk of being repetitious.

3yo being driven to Gymbaroo by grandmother.

The outburst then was "Fuck off, cocksucker."

 

[athee]

Well for our daughter, her F bomb was because she was learning to enunciate. She loved Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" .... unfortunately, she said "Fuckin' socks" when when was a toddler.

Grandma was taken aback when my daughter said she wanted her "Fuckin' socks."

I had a similar one, where I used F instead of "tr" in words like truck. I did get gently corrected when I incorrectly pointed out "Look at that big truck"

 

[ZiprHead]

There's a little clip that gets played on the Stephanie Miller show occasionally. It's a little kid say "George Bush is a dump truck." But comes out "George Bush is a dumb fuck."

 

[Elixir]

There's a little clip that gets played on the Stephanie Miller show occasionally. It's a little kid say "George Bush is a dump truck." But comes out "George Bush is a dumb fuck."

If that was regarding Junior, I don’t see the problem.

 

[thebeave]

Well for our daughter, her F bomb was because she was learning to enunciate. She loved Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" .... unfortunately, she said "Fuckin' socks" when when was a toddler.

Grandma was taken aback when my daughter said she wanted her "Fuckin' socks."

I had a similar one, where I used F instead of "tr" in words like truck. I did get gently corrected when I incorrectly pointed out "Look at that big truck"

Similar story with my dad and his grandson. Grampa was asking him what the names of the animals in the book were and grandson shouted out "Fuck!" when he saw the fox. My dad cracked up and asked him again about five more times and laughed harder each time. It was an especially weird scene since my dad was vehemently anti-swearing when us kids were growing up. My sister and I were like, "WTF?"

 

[Elixir]

My sister and I were like, "WTF?"

…. Meaning “what the fox”, of course.

 

[ideologyhunter]

Well for our daughter, her F bomb was because she was learning to enunciate. She loved Dr. Seuss' "Fox in Socks" .... unfortunately, she said "Fuckin' socks" when when was a toddler.

Grandma was taken aback when my daughter said she wanted her "Fuckin' socks."

I had a similar one, where I used F instead of "tr" in words like truck. I did get gently corrected when I incorrectly pointed out "Look at that big truck"

My friend's toddler also said fuck for truck. He patiently sat with the child and said, "Listen. TERRRR-ruck. TERRRR-ruck." The child, of course, obediently said, "TERRRR-fuck."

 

[ideologyhunter]

A wife says, "You need to do more chores around this house."
The husband says, "Yeah, could you change the subject, please?"
The wife says, "Sure. More chores around this house need to be done by you."

 

[ideologyhunter]

A priest is getting toward the end of his ministry. He gets sick of hearing the details of adultery confessions, so he starts telling each penitent, "Just say 'I fell' or 'I've fallen'. I'll understand the rest." Word spreads in the congregation, and soon that's the accepted wording.
A new priest takes over. After several weeks of confession, he's concerned about his congregation's safety. He goes to see the mayor as his civic responsibility. He says, "Mr. Mayor, you need to have all the sidewalks inspected, and then repair the ones that need it. My congregation has experienced an alarming number of falls, and it could get serious."
The mayor knows about the old priest and his word change, so he says with a chuckle, "I really don't think there's a problem here, Father."
The priest says, "You can laugh, but did you know that your own wife fell two times last week?"

 

[ideologyhunter]

A woman brings a carpenter up to her apartment. She shows him the bedroom and says, "Every time the city bus goes by, that closet makes an awful creaking sound." He looks at the door, the hinges, the inside of the closet and says, "I can't see anything here that could cause the noise you described." Just then a city bus goes by, and a loud creaking sound comes out of the closet. The carpenter says, "Okay, now you got my full attention. When will the next bus come past? I'm gonna stay in your closet and figure out what's happening."
She says, "It'll probably be a couple of minutes. You stay here and I'll make us both some coffee."
The woman's husband comes home and goes to the bedroom to change clothes. He spots the carpenter and says, "What the hell are you doing in that closet?"
The carpenter says, "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm waiting for a bus?"

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Two guys are playing chess. One says to the other, "Care to make this interesting?"
So they packed up the chess set.

I've actually played chess without a board. Not easy.