Researchers at the National Sledghammer Testing Institute are said to be "deeply concerned" by the new modernisation program, which has seen their Nokia 3310 impact targets replaced by iPhones. "A target used to be good for up to three years", according to our anonymous source within the NSTI, "but now we are replacing them after every test".
The Minister for Hammers, Clubs and Impact Devices has so far refused to comment, with senior departmental officials issuing a statement that testing protocols are subject to update as a matter of routine, and that the department doesn't comment on specific cases.
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