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Joke gallery

 
 
 
Husband math is not wanting to pay anyone to do the job, but having to buy 8 new tools, take about 5-7 business years to complete, and make at least 5 trips to Home Depot.
 
Not a joke this time, but this seems the best place to post this.
I love to watch Bill Burr clips, but I feel totally blindsided, in that I didn't know about his 2006 "Philadelphia incident" until...today.
It's epic. 13 minutes of scorching comic rant. All you need to know is that he was part of a comedy tour, they were doing a multi-comic event in Camden, and the crowd was so abusive toward the comics that when Burr took the stage, he decided to throw it right back on them.
Don't google it if you have a problem with swearing, but then again, if you have a problem with swearing, I don't know why you're on this thread.
If you do watch it, you will BE HEALED!!! It's so merciless that you just can't help feeling good about the world when he's done. Yes -- total black means happy times.
 
The unsung heroes of the self-driving car industry are the employees who have to clean the back seats of the robo-taxi after the drunks throw up and/or pass out and piss themselves on their way home from the bar. I felt terrible every time I had to say "yep, this one's gonna need a bio-clean." (don't think anyone has died in one...yet)
 
Ford said:
The unsung heroes of the self-driving car industry are the employees who have to clean the back seats of the robo-taxi after the drunks throw up and/or pass out and piss themselves on their way home from the bar. I felt terrible every time I had to say "yep, this one's gonna need a bio-clean." (don't think anyone has died in one...yet)
Click to expand...
I had a drunk throw up on my bus recently, and the dispatcher asked me to take it back to the depot for cleaning. I said "I will have to drive with the window open"; She said "If you want to drive with the doors open, I won't object".

The cleaners deserve every penny of their cleaning allowance.
 
My wife said if I don't get off Reddit right now she's going to come over and smash my face into the keyboard.
I laughed and said "I'd like to se.;,lm;, l,; ;,lmadsc;l,xc k, sca,;lasxc.;,c #'.;cxvc, lmxz;,lm x/.;x zc ,kxmk;lnlp,zx ;,.x.c,
 
bilby said:
Ford said:
The unsung heroes of the self-driving car industry are the employees who have to clean the back seats of the robo-taxi after the drunks throw up and/or pass out and piss themselves on their way home from the bar. I felt terrible every time I had to say "yep, this one's gonna need a bio-clean." (don't think anyone has died in one...yet)
Click to expand...
I had a drunk throw up on my bus recently, and the dispatcher asked me to take it back to the depot for cleaning. I said "I will have to drive with the window open"; She said "If you want to drive with the doors open, I won't object".

The cleaners deserve every penny of their cleaning allowance.
Click to expand...
At Costco too many people throw their 1/2 full drink cups in the bins. When we lift them out with in the bags, the bags break too often and we get our boots, lower legs covered with a mixture of soft drink and food :mad:
 
So, I was reading about Cicero Perry’s true story, and it reminded me of a joke.
In the true story Cicero was shot, stabbed, and pierced by arrows—20 wounds in total - and left for dead on a bloodied battlefield, He walked 120 miles alone across hostile land to survive.

In the joke, a man was shot, stabbed, pierced by arrows and left for dead. A cowboy found him still alive and was horrified by all the wounds. “Holy cow, don’t those wounds hurt like hell?” He asked. The bloodied victim replied
“it only hurts when I laugh!”
 
That joke must be an antique. I remember that punchline being one of my Dad's favourite sayings when I was about 5 - and I am NOT a young woman.
 
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There was a Yorkshire Television comedy aired on ITV in the UK, and set in a hospital, called Only When I Laugh in reference to that joke. It was first aired in 1979, and the joke was already so old at that time, that the audience was expected to get the reference without any further information or explanation.
 
A representative from a brewery called a workers wife to inform her that her husband had drowned in a vat of beer.
"Did he go quickly?" she asked.
"Not exactly." Was the reply. "He climbed out twice to go to the restroom."
 
My grandson asked me where poo comes from. I was a little uncomfortable but thought he was old enough to hear the truth.

Once I'd explained he looked a little perplexed and stared at me in stunned silence then asked, "..... and what about Tigger?"
 
ZiprHead said:
A representative from a brewery called a workers wife to inform her that her husband had drowned in a vat of beer.
"Did he go quickly?" she asked.
"Not exactly." Was the reply. "He climbed out twice to go to the restroom."
Click to expand...
I heard that joke with the punchline that he fought off 3 men who tried to get him out.
 
Tigers! said:
ZiprHead said:
A representative from a brewery called a workers wife to inform her that her husband had drowned in a vat of beer.
"Did he go quickly?" she asked.
"Not exactly." Was the reply. "He climbed out twice to go to the restroom."
Click to expand...
I heard that joke with the punchline that he fought off 3 men who tried to get him out.
Click to expand...
Zipr is American.
You are Australian.
Get it?
Tom
 
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